Through the ringer

The last couple of months have been truly a test to our hearts, emotions and stamina. In the middle of May we received notice that Tony's father had passed away suddenly. Shocked as we were, we traveled to Dallas, were met by my ever loving mother in law Pam, and drove to Waco. We were there for a week handling the details for Bill's burial. It was a long week for all of us. We were surrounded by loving family in Waco, however we were very happy, although exhausted, to go to Illinois that weekend for Sierra's first birthday party celebration at my home church in Colchester. The party was a true testament to the "it takes a village" adage. Our wonderful family and friends came in force to celebrate the birthday of our amazing little girl. She was overwhelmed with all of the people, both short and tall. She had the BEST time playing and chasing after the other kids that were there. I am truly blessed to have a solid support system to come witness the miracle of Sierra. That support system would be called upon again in a few short weeks. We visited my Gramma at the hospital. She wasn't eating and was too weak to come to the party. Sadly she didn't get to see much of Sierra. The poor little one was DONE by the time we got to the hospital. She screamed and cried. Thankfully Tony took her out so I could spend a few precious moments with my Gramma telling her that I loved her and to get better. Those were the last words I got to exchange with her face to face. The following week Pam arrived at our house to prepare and celebrate Sierra's birthday with us at home. We enjoyed her visit until I received a phone call from my brother Rob. He suggested that if I wanted to see Gramma and spend time with her, that the time to go to Illinois had arrived. Sierra and I hastily packed our bags, canceled Sierra's party and courtesy of Southwest airlines, arrived in Chicago where my mom met us. We drove to mom's and I continued on into Macomb without Sierra. The scene I arrived to was exactly as I had pictured it would be. A long hallway, a couple of family members sitting down, a couple more talking quietly, and the background noise of beeping monitors and hushed words. It was surreal. I knew this was coming, I knew that it would be soon, but to actually physically be walking toward my dying grandmother's room was beyond words. I hugged those that were there and waited my turn to go see Gramma. There were a lot of people there to be with her. Thankfully my brother was there to hug me and be reassuring, as always. He didn't sugar coat anything and was very specific about what was happening. When I saw her she looked exactly like I had expected. Her teeth were out, her hair was unkept, her skin was a little off color, she was resting and so very thin. I read the hospice information packet and talked to several of my friends who had experience Hospice and knew what to expect. The thoughts were that she wouldn't last the week. Plans were put in motion to prepare for Gramma's services the following weekend. Every day that I went in I told her who I was, how Sierra was doing that day, and touched her reassuringly. Gramma's heart rate got weaker, her temperature fluctuated significantly and she remained unresponsive. I sang to her, played her favorite blue-grass/gospel music, talked about good memories, funny stories and let her know somethings that I hadn't had the courage to tell her before. I was able to go to my nephew's baseball games, visit with friends I haven't seen in a LONG time, spend time with my mom and Jim, attend SodBuster Days in Good Hope, play with Zack and Olivia, visit with my sister-in-law, and eat a lot of REALLY good food. Food that means "home" and that is always comforting. Gramma's fever went up and down, her heart rate was steadily increasing for a couple of days, that's when dad and Mitzae decided to not spend the night on the following Sunday night. Up until that point someone had been with Gramma 24-hours a day for almost 2 weeks. What they weren't understanding was that this was her "rallying" time. It's a time when the person seems to make an improvement. Dad called at 5:40am on Monday June 10th on a conference call with Rob that Gramma had passed away. The news was expected and very comforting to me. She had struggled for so long with pain, her parkinsons disease and very angry arthritis that I was happy she was finally free of all of her ailments. I didn't cry much. I went in to Wesley Village and saw her body before the mortician came to take it away. Very clearly, she had used her life to the best of her ability and she was complete. I can't describe the hole I feel in my chest. It's big and small, heavy and warm, and void all at the same time. My Gramma was a HUGE part of my life. Sierra and I have been to see her 3 times this year. The last 6 months or so I called her every night at 8:10 her time. Sometimes she would chat, but most often she was too tired to say much. And then she stopped answering when I would call all together. The services were lovely. The friends who came to pay homage to her were overwhelming. She was very truly loved and a big part of the Colchester community. I had a feeling that it would take me a while to process the emotions that were surrounding Gramma's passing, it feels like today is the day to do that a little bit. This post has been very cathartic for me. Tony wasn't feeling well soon after Sierra and I left for Illinois. He and Pam had colds. I was gone with the baby. It was a hard time for our household in California. Tony's cold got progressively worse, and then Pam returned to Texas. When the news that Gramma had passed and the services were scheduled, Tony flew to St. Louis and drove up to the visitation just as it was coming to an end. He was so excited and happy to finally be a family unit again. The funeral was the next day, then the day after that we drove back to St. Louis to make our trek home. Sierra was sick. She had been sick the entire time we were in Illinois. Huge globs of green and yellow ick oozing from her. Thankfully my friends were able to look beyond the ick to take care of her and see how fun she is. Sierra was cranky. She'd been gone from her home for 13 days. She was done traveling. And then she and I got on a plane. Oooooh, super fun. She cried the first 20 minutes and then screamed the next 20, I did everything I knew to do, this was not our first rodeo. When we were finally able to get up from our seats I had to ask the gentleman to my left to let me out twice because he had his fingers so far in his ears to keep her crying out that he couldn't hear me. I took her to the bathroom and nursed her to sleep. (Side-note, please PLEASE please give the mom with the screaming kid the benefit of the doubt. You never know what kind of hell she's been through prior to boarding the plane you're sharing.) When we returned to our seats Sierra slept comfortably until about 20 minutes before landing. The guy to my right says to me, "I'm glad she quieted down." I said something like, "Yeah, we've been away from home for 2 weeks while my Grandmother passed away, had her funeral and now the baby is sick. It's been the longest 2 weeks in a very long time and we can't wait to get back to normal in San Diego." To which he said something like, "Oh, you're not continuing on this plane?" I said, "No, we're getting off in Phoenix." I could see relief spread across his face. He was then much more relaxed. He started talking to Sierra and asked a couple more questions. We landed and were taxiing up to the gate. I looked out the window to see the usual SkyHarbor topography and view. As I returned my gaze into the plane I glanced at the guy's phone. First of all, I don't make a habit of that. Second, I have 20/15 vision. It's better than 20/20. Third, he had enlarged the text on his phone to be HUGE. On the screen I read, "The mother is a fat hillbilly who looks like she could pop out another one on the flight. This is gonna be bad." My heart sank. My body went cold, then VERY hot. I started to tremble. I gathered everything I could reach, strapped Sierra into my baby carrier, and prayed that the other passengers would hurry the hell up and get of this ridiculous plane! As we were standing up, I looked back at him and said, "You know, even fat hillbillies have feelings." My legs couldn't go fast enough. By the time I entered the terminal I was full on shaking all over. I had thought I would be able to meet my friend Molly that works at the airport. However she was swamped with a deadline for a project. I called my mom. She was awesome. She listened, reassured me, and said "Don't let that jerk ruin your day." I got some food and tried to calm down. By the time we got to San Diego I just wanted to be alone, however it was SOOOOO good to be home. Driving our car. In the sunshine. In the beautiful wonderful 70 degree weather that I love. I was happy, I was free, I was in need of Starbucks=) By the time Tony's flight came in (we were on two different airlines because of the timing of buying our flights, etc.), I was in a better mood. When I told him about the man on the plane he was reassuring that the guy clearly didn't know what he was talking about. Tony was feeling worse than he had for the last 2 weeks. The next day he went to Urgent care. The guy gave him a prescription for an antibiotic. The first doctor he saw while I was gone had told him he had severe allergies. So he started the antibiotic. Monday he was feeling even worse. He got in to see our general practitioner. OUR doctor said Tony had 3 different infections and gave him treatments for all of them. Sierra and I went to her doctor and then my doctor to get checked out to make sure we weren't just reinfecting ourselves over and over again. A few days later, Tony was even worse. Tony went to the ENT, who gave him a new STRONGER antibiotic. He went back to our doctor, his condition had escalated. He then went to the ENT. The ENT drained his ear drums so that they wouldn't burst. Then he was given drops to help the ear drums drain. The poor guy has been sick for a month. He hears a constant, piercing, humming/screaching/buzzing noise and can barely hear when others are speaking to him. I'm hoping that his CT scan on Tuesday can provide some insight into what's happening so that he can get back to normal. He's still not back to 100%. But at least the only issue now is his ears/head. He's not coughing up or blowing out chunks of ick. So, the last couple of months, have been a huge jumbo GINORMOUS ringer. We've made it to the "other" side, maybe=)

What I've learned in a year as a new mom

Sleep is overrated. Friends, especially those who are in the same stage of their life as you, are invaluable! Nursing a baby is one of the most difficult acts that should be "natural". Putting a screaming baby down and taking a breath are therapeutic. It is possible to survive weeks of sleep deprivation, exhaustion and endless dirty dishes. Intimacy with my husband is redefined as when he says, "you've done so much for our family, please let me take care of the dishes so you can get a little extra rest." EWG.org is a great resource to find out what products are "clean" to use for my baby to use and eat. Sierra LOVES to pull tissues and wipes out of their containers. This also goes for toilet paper and paper towels. She is happy as a little clam with a plastic cup, it's lid and straw. They will keep her attention for at least 5 minutes. The scent of poop is no longer a bad thing, but something to be celebrated. As much as I want her to, she doesn't want to nap when I think she should, eat the way I think she should, or stay out of the open washer door, and she eats whatever she can off the floor. Traveling with a baby is easy. Traveling with a mobile baby is painful. Traveling with a toddler is excruciating. "No" is her favorite word. Closely followed by "uh-oh". Pictures are worth more than 1000 words and more about the contentment I feel in my heart. No matter how much I want to compare my child to others, I can't. It's an unfair exercise to attempt. Primarily because my kid will win. And if she doesn't, I'll make up another scenario in which she does. I can NOT wait for her to start drinking cow's milk next week! =) Two trips to the emergency room via ambulance are more than I want to have happen ever again. Febrile seizures are benign, though terrifying. My favorite possession is my phone. It's always there for me, it keeps my head straight(most of the time), I don't need to search for a pen and paper when I want to write down the last idea that popped in my head for the shopping list, plus it's entertaining and informative. When grandparents want to help let go of what I think should happen and let them do it. No matter what the "books" say, the baby will be fine if you don't explicitly follow every detail. Children have been growing up healthy for millennia without the perfect toy, sippy cup or laundry detergent. The best gift is a pat from a tiny hand on my back as I carry her to bed then kiss her good night knowing that tomorrow is full of adventure and gloriously happy moments!

From February... I remember a commercial for the army that said something to the effect of "The toughest job you'll ever love". Yeah, the army doesn't have anything on being a mom! We're tortured with sleepless nights, calisthenics while holding a 15+ lb baby, recon of dirty clothes left on the floor of the baby's room because she pooped so much you couldn't bare to put them in the hamper, not to mention a very demanding boss. My new year's resolution has been to blog more. I'm not doing too bad considering it's the beginning of February and I'm posting for the first time since September. LOL Yeah, the life of the sleep deprived... At the end of September we went to Texas for my cousin Chris' wedding. We had a wonderful time visiting with family and eating all the Texas delicacies we could fit in our stomachs. I think we each ate 3 pints of Blue Bell ice cream over the course of a weekend. In October, Gran Pam came out for a visit to celebrate Tony's birthday. We had a nice visit with her. She's a rather spectacular guest. In November we hosted Thanksgiving at our house. My dad and CaroLyn came out to enjoy a weekend in the sun. We had a wonderful time for their first visit. It certainly helped that we have the cutest, most amazing and adorable baby ever! Gran Pam came out again at the beginning of December to celebrate her birthday at Disneyland. That was a fun trip! We drove up to Anaheim on Friday afternoon. We spent both Friday and Saturday nights there. I remembered why I love Disney parks so much. It's a lot of fun for everyone! Even Tony, my anti-Disney husband said he had fun!

Week 15

Today marks week 15 of our little girl's life. Sierra Marie Vardiman arrived at 1:31 am on May 29, 2012. She weighed 8lb. 12 oz. and was 21" long. The labor process went very well. We started the induction process on May 28th around 1:30 am. We started with cervidil to get things started. Around 11:30 am the doctor broke my water. We then began pitocin. We rested for a few hours and I took a nap. During my nap I went from 4 cm to 9cm dilated! That was one productive nap! Around 12:30 am on the 29th we called the Doctor to come in. He arrived just before 1am. I started pushing and our beautiful Sierra emerged. The first time I saw her was absolutely the most amazing, overwhelming feeling of relief, love, joy, and exhaustion!

We were visited by our close friends Woody, Kristene, Mina and Maurizio at the hospital. We were discharged on the 30th and allowed to go home with our new family member. I remember holding her as we were wheeled out of the hospital thinking, "Holy moly! What do we do now? We've worked so hard for THIS moment and here it is, happening right now." We got home and introduced Sierra to our pets. They were all very curious, but timid. Over time they decided that Sierra could stay in our pack. Momo and Papa (Beth's mom and step-dad) arrived late on May 31st (Beth was VERY happy to see Momo).

Shortly after Momo and Papa left, Gran and PawPaw arrived (Tony's mom Pam and step-dad Jim)along with Uncle Rob! It was a busy day!

Our wonderful friend Kristene took a few pictures of Sierra when she was a little over 4 weeks old.

The dust settled and we started getting into a groove with our little family. Beth started going to a lactation group meeting at the hospital where we delivered Sierra. She and Sierra go every week. They have made friends with a few mommies and their babies. They enjoy meeting new mommies and babies every week and supporting the mommies who are having difficulties. At our first visit to the lactation group Sierra weighed 9lbs. 5oz. At our most recent visit she weighed 12lbs. 6.5oz.! We are fortunate enough to have another friend that enjoys photography as well! Our friend Sue took these photos when Sierra was almost 2 months old.

Sierra giggled for the first time on August 2nd! Sierra got her first round of vaccinations on August 6th. It was a rough afternoon for Beth. Sierra was fine after a short nap=) Meeting the Barbers! Autumn, Anne, Anson and Ayla escaped Phoenix for a weekend in the cool, pleasant weather of San Diego=)

Gran arrived on August 15th! We moved on August 16th to a 3 bedroom townhouse in Rolling Hills Ranch in Chula Vista. Tony started a new job on August 20th with Websense. He is now a manager of Technical Support. The East Coast Fosters made a trip to San Diego in August. Zack and Olivia were very excited to meet their youngest cousin!

Sierra and Beth recently traveled to visit Beth's mom and Grandma. While there, Sierra got to meet many people! Sierra's first plane ride!

Sierra's first train ride!

Sierra and Momo

Meeting Great Grandma Margaret

Meeting the Petersons

Meeting Uncle Matt and Dean

Visiting Great Grandma Margaret again

Meeting Cousin Hanna

Meeting Cousin Jack

Meeting Great Aunt Mitzae

Meeting Grandpa Tom

Four generations!

Meeting Laura, Bryn and Johanna

Meeting Great Aunt Amy

Meeting Chris and Allison

We had a wonderful trip! Sierra was a wonderful traveler! Sierra turned from her tummy to her back all by herself on 9/9! It's been a VERY busy summer! Becoming a mom has been the most amazing experience I could have imagined, and more! Even on days that don't go so well, the baby is cranky, I'm cranky and everything I pick up, I drop twice, when that little smile spreads across her face, my heart melts and everything doesn't seem so serious any more. I'm blessed beyond measure that my child is healthy, growing well, and we have a safe, happy place to call home. I look forward to sharing my experiences with other moms with the lactation group. I have really found a niche where I feel fulfilled, empowered and valuable outside of my home. It seems strange to put that out into the ethers. After working from home for 2 years, and now my main job revolves around a small person, it is nice to be valued for other talents. I'm looking forward to establishing a routine that we can follow on a regular basis (I'm sure not every day) while we settle in to our new home, new job for Tony, new baby and new adventures!

Week 40

Today marks the beginning of week 40. It's been a very long 40 weeks, and yet it's flown by so quickly. We are currently playing the "waiting" game. Upon my last exam, I was 1 1/2 cm dilated. The dr did what is called a membranes sweep. I'll spare the details. Today I passed a milestone that also marks the impending labor. Again, I will spare the details. It's not very pretty. My body is doing what it's supposed to when preparing for the upcoming events. Our dr scheduled me for an induction at 8pm tonight. It's currently 9:25pm. I was told when I called that they would call me back in a couple of hours. Yeah, that hasn't happened. So, we're impatiently waiting a call to have us come in. BG is doing well. She measured 41 weeks tall at week 38, so I'm anticipating that she'll be at least 21" long. Which is rather tall=) She was also measuring close to 8lbs at week 38. She's supposed to gain 1 oz per day. That was almost 2 weeks ago, so she could be getting very close to 9lbs by now. We'll find out sooner than later I suppose. I'm anxious to get this started. It's been a very long road. I'm ready to exit this part of the trip and begin a new one. Today is also our 5th marriage anniversary. I say marriage because we also have a wedding anniversary. We were married in May under a tree in a park in the rain. Our wedding was in a church with all of our friends and family around, in November. It's crazy to think that exactly 5 years to the day, we stopped trying to prevent getting pregnant, and we're waiting to be induced. How fun! I'm excited to meet this new addition. She is very loved and we have had many and I do mean MANY friends and family calling, texting, emailing, and messaging about where this baby is and why she has not come out yet. If there were news, I'd be sure to let everyone know. I promise=) That's where we are at this point. I'm confident that my next post will be a gushing gooey mess of how amazing and beautiful my daughter is and how blessed we are to have her. Until then, be well.

Today is day 4 of week 34! It's hard to believe that our little girl will be making her entrance is less than 6 weeks! We have her baby room ready for her to come at any time. It's been fun putting things away, collecting things that she'll need, and discussing what else we will need. One thing that we were told we MUST have is a wipe warmer. Now, I'm all about babies should be comfortable, etc. But a wipe warmer? Really? It took a little bit of discussion for me to be more open to the idea. Tony wants BG to be as comfortable as possible. We had a very nice baby shower a few weeks ago. I was so happy that Angela could be here to share it with us! It was great to have her here and to get to spend some time with her. Kristene, Woody, Theresa and Erol did a lot of work to make our shower special. It was wonderful! Complete with my favorite Filipino foods and people=)

Tony and I have finally settled on the name for our baby. It's a very good name. The first name is very feminine, stable, easy to spell, and easy to pronounce. The middle name is the same as my Grandma Margaret. We agree that our next daughter's middle name will be Tony's grandma's middle name.

Week 35

Tony and I went to our 35 week appointment today. We have officially moved from 2-week appointments to weekly appointments! The end is near and it's coming faster and faster every day! BG is moving around more and more every day. She seems to like it a lot when I eat or drink something cold. She really likes apple juice. Smart girl. BG and I get to go to Non Stress Tests now. We have them twice a week, one on Thursday and one Monday through the rest of the pregnancy. Plus our weekly doctor visits. That's 3 appointments a week! Whew! As long as she gets here healthy and strong, I'm happy to go where ever I need to go to ensure her safety. Tony and I have been talking to her. Addressing her by her name, singing, and of course pushing on the belly to make her move. She is not a "perform on command" kind of girl. LOL. While we're saying good night, Tony and I talk to the baby and to each other before going to sleep. Last night Tony was singing the baby some song about a woman from El Paso. I doubt the baby heard much because I was laughing so hard while he was singing. Crazy Texan=) He made up for it by singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. Which she LOVED! She moved around and kicked quite a bit while he was singing. BG can tell when Tony comes home from work. Something about the sound of his voice and the reaction from the dogs when he walks through the door make her do a little dance. This journey has been so miraculous, amazing and truly a blessing. In a few short months, I will celebrate my 11 year anniversary of my cyst removal surgery. I can not believe it's been that long. Nor can I believe that the wonderful blessing of birthing my own child will be a reality in 5 short weeks. July 31, 2001 will always be a reminder of how scary life can be. And whenever BG's birthday is, will always be a reminder of how truly amazing my body is, what it has overcome, and what it is capable of creating. I am truly grateful for the miracle that is coming and so excited to meet our daughter!