Tony and I moved to California in April of 2010. April 2011 is quickly approaching. Where did the time go?
I recently returned from a trip to Dallas via Madison, Wisconsin. Tony and I got a call from my mom on January 23rd that my mom and Jim were on their way to Madison for a heart transplant. At first, I didn't understand what was happening. What? Jim was on a list, but not an 'I'm so sick I'm gonna die tomorrow' kind of list. As I was driving to Anne and Walt Ahland's for brunch in Phoenix, I hung up the phone and immediately pulled over in to a parking lot. I couldn't hold myself together enough to drive. Tony and I got out of the car and I sobbed in his arms for several minutes. The emotion and shock was so overwhelming that I didn't know how to deal with it in any other way. We went to Anne and Walt's for brunch, and eventually told everyone what was happening. Tony and I discussed our options. I called my dad, who is also my boss and expecting me in Dallas the next day. We decided that I should fly to Madison as soon as possible. Tony took the dogs and drove home from Phoenix by himself. That was the last time I saw my husband for 2 1/2 weeks.
My trip to Madison went well. I am glad that I was able to go. My mom was extremely happy to have me there with her. I think she just needed some moral support. Jim was recovering tremendously well, and continues to do so.
I then made the trip from Madison to Dallas. I stayed with a very close friend who I don't see or talk to nearly as much as I would like. We had a nice time getting to see each other and talking for hours. It was nice to get to spend that time with her. While in Dallas my dad wrote me a letter. In that letter he wrote that he loves me, admires me and is proud of the woman I have become. I was shocked at his openness and random message of caring and love. I couldn't really wrap my head around his message.
I went to work at our shop for several days, when the roads were clear enough to drive safely, and enjoyed the time getting into the groove of things and feeling very comfortable. I have worked with my dad for 7 years now. To say that it's been a trial, is a massive understatement. He can be as unreasonable as a 5 year old in the grocery store screaming at the top of their lungs about something completely irrelevant. And yet, there is a brilliance to his madness. I continue to believe that in some way, on some level, he may be bi-polar or have adult ADD. He wants SO much to make a difference in the world, to make the world a better place. And I love that about him. I love that he is very good at working with people when he needs to, however, when it comes to me his social graces are less than barbaric. He berates me, yells at me, calls me in a panic about something that has already been solved, demands my attention whenever he feels it is necessary, whether I'm on vacation, in a hospital room, early on a weekend morning, etc. He has no boudaries with me. I have done my best to set them. To inforce them. And yet, he somehow breaks down every benchmark for crossing the line. I don't know how it happens, frequently I don't know he's crossed a line until our conversation is over.
I make a very good salary. As a result, there are some expectations that I must fulfill in order to continue my work. Unfortunatly one of those expectations is that I am to travel to Dallas for weeks at a time to work. The time change alone takes me a week to overcome. It is brutal. I have yet to figure out a way to make it better for myself.
I miss my husband like crazy. I have truly one of the most amazing men on the planet as my husband. Tony is my rock, my support, my love and my very closest friend. To be hundreds of miles away from him for long periods of time is very hard on both of us and our relationship. He gets to pick up all the tasks that I do when I'm home.
On my way to the airport on Tuesday, I broke down and let dad have all of the pent-up frustration that had culminated over the previous few weeks. It was a deluge of finger-pointing from me. I made him wrong, and me the martyr. And in many ways, logically, that's true. I certainly take my share of abuse for the 'team'. And I felt like I had finally gotten to a point where there was no way he could possibly understand anything I would say to him in a calm, rational manner. So, I simply started screaming at him. Not the best idea for trying to have a serious conversation. And I have a lot of trouble defending myself in a confrontational situation. There were things he brought up that I couldn't think fast enough to respond to. He kept telling me how much he loves me, that's why he pushes me so hard. And I asked why he couldn't just love me. Why he felt the need to push me, ever. He said it was because he could see my potential and that no matter how hard I try to deny my own power, he would never let me forget it.
Shit.
I couldn't say much after that. I blubbered for a while. He and I hugged and he kissed me and said he loves me and really appreciated all I did for him while I was in Dallas.
I have no idea what to do about my job. A lot of it is hands on in the office in Dallas. And so much of it can be done online.
We can't afford for me to get a different job making half of what I make now AND try to have a family. I know people can make it work, but honestly I don't want to give up my relationship with my dad.
He and I barely speak as it is. And when we do it's about work. But, if I don't work for him, I'll never hear from him, all he'll talk about is work, and I won't get paid for listening to him ramble on about things I don't understand. I'm very good at what I do. I don't want to walk away from dad, the money, or the comfort. And yet, how much of a toll is it taking on my marriage? How much is it really worth? I'm not happy sitting on my couch by myself all day. But what is the right move? I feel trapped. I feel like I have to choose between my dad and my amazing wonderful husband. For some it wouldn't be a tough decision. For me, it's terrifying. I've been doing all I know to try to avoid making a decision.
Oh, and add in the whole, trying to get pregnant thing that's been happening for almost 4 years, and I have a lot on my plate right now.
What I want:
Happy, easy, loving, relationship with Tony
Babies. Several of them
Great money, mutually appreciated relationship with my job
Friends I can hang out with and talk to on a level that I have to travel to Dallas to have =)
I miss my friends in Dallas. I miss how comfortable it is for me there.
But I LOVE southern California. I love the weather. I love that my honey is here and we have so much fun together! I love my animals and the friends we have made here. I want to have it all. Due to the whole stupid space-time thing, it makes it very difficult.
